from my cousin-in-law today. One of those multiple questions things that you answer and send to people to help them get to know you better.
One of the questions was do you believe in god. Good question. I answered "not always". But still, the question has actually been on my mind all day. I dont know.. maybe its because im having an off day (missing my husband, missing our life together, missing him in our babies life, etc) but I have felt really terrible about this question all day. I dont want to offend anyone who truly believes in God, because everyone is entitled to their beliefs and I feel that it must be really nice to have undying faith in something, but if there truly is a god... why let crappy things happen to good people? Like my husbands situation. Why him? Why not the assholes who drive stupidly for the road conditions and end up hurting someone else.... and the same for those who drink and drive and hurt or kill people in accidents, but they walk away without a scratch? Why someone who just had their first little baby, had just really started something big and new in his life? Why did this happen to my baby? Why her daddy? Why does she have to suffer and not have her father around? What did she do to deserve this? I went on utube last night. Was looking at the video of Karma giggling, and decided to look at some of the other video's of babies giggling(thought it would cheer me up). Know what I saw? Lots of video's of babies laughing at their daddies. Lots with mommies too, but guess who was video taping it? Daddy.
Why would a god let this happen?
Yeah, everyone keeps saying that god will not deal you hand that you cant deal with. Im fine with that for me.. Ive held it together so far.
Im alone up here. I have to raise our child alone..
Im getting by. But why, if there is a god, did he deal this hand to my baby? Every little girl needs her daddy. The only saving grace is that, at the moment, she is too little to understand. I know she wont remember this when she gets older. But what happens if Luc never recovers enough to come home? What do i tell her when she asks why she doesnt have a daddy? And if he can come home, its gonna hurt him so much when she doesnt know him and makes strange with him. On top of trying to take care of her, i will have to still keep a watchful eye on him, to make sure he is ok and that he is really ok with her. This is a lot to deal with.
I dont really know what to think. Is there a god? isnt there? if there is one, why did he let this happen? why not some pervert who molests kids? why not the rapists? serial killers?
If there is a god, is he gonna take care of us? Are things gonna get easier? or from this point on are they gonna stay hard?
Sorry. This has been on my mind all day.
Not the most pleasant post.
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3 comments:
I wish that I knew what to say to make you feel better. I don't understand why these things happen either. I've been reading your blog since before the accident. After the accident, I couldn't believe your strength. I don't think I could have held it together like you have. I'd bet anything that your and Luc's daughter is thriving because you're handling this so well. I know you're probably tired of hearing "think positive", but I think that there is something to it. As to "is there a God?" I have no idea. I sometimes think there is, when things are going well, but like you, when things go to shit I can't understand why God would let it happen and not do anything to stop it or change it. Keep doing what you're doing, and know that it's OK to have crappy days. Don't ever feel guilty for having a 'poor me' day. They can be very therapeutic. Get your fav foods, stay in pj's all day, and cuddle with Karma while showing her pictures and telling her stories about her daddy who will be coming home.
There IS a God and perhaps this is HIS test for you, you HAVE to believe HE will help you and your family, and HE will... have faith. Don't let it waiver.. One day you will understand why he chose you, you're not supposed to question why, just have faith that he has you in his arms and that you are never alone and WILL be ok.
PLease don't let the questioning make you sad. I think it is normal. It is healthy to question it all and you have been thru soooo much. You are a wonderful person and I don't think a loving God would deny you access because you questioned it's existance. Continue to let Luc know how much you love him and I am sure he will be able to fight his way back. I am happy to here about his improvements!!!!
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